by Tom Shafer
January 13, 2024
Okay, I don’t need to tell you that we are suffering polarization in almost every aspect of our lives, from social to cultural to political issues — even to what foods we like and our favorite sports teams. And some of you might be thinking, “What can we do about it?” Well, I’m here to tell you simply this: I want to make it worse. Because it recently dawned — really mooned– on me that our moon, the Moon, doesn’t have a name.
Now, you are probably asking yourself, “Wait, it does have a name — and you just used it!” But technically, that’s not quite right. According to National Geographic, “a moon is an object that orbits a planet or something else that is not a star.” NASA states that moons are “naturally-formed bodies that orbit planets, also called planetary satellites.” The word “moon” is merely a generic term, a common noun if you will, that refers to a general person, place, idea, or quality — and not a specific or proper one (like Pacific Ocean or Ohio River or Rocky Mountains or Vin Diesel).
Additionally, to this date, the NASA/JPL Solar System Dynamics team has validated a total of 290 moons in our solar system alone — most of them named. And none of them are christened Moon — except ours.
Saturn may have as many as 146 moons — the most in the solar system — and sixty-three of them are officially named. Jupiter boasts seventy-nine moons, of which fifty-three are certified and named. All twenty-seven moons of Uranus (BTW, Moons of Uranus is a great name for a philharmonic-punk band) are officially designated, twenty-six of them after Shakespearean characters (like Ariel, Oberon, Puck, Cassida, and Juliet).
The biggest indignity in this planetary — or moonary — scofflaw is that even non-planet Pluto has five titled moons — including Hydra, Charon, and Styx from Greek mythology.
Some of you may be thinking that I am making a moontain out of a moonhill, but I beg to differ. Imagine the utter chaos at a dog park if every canine was named Dog. And how confusing would it be for motorheads if all automobiles were called Car: “I love the new Chevrolet Car — oh, and the impressive Chevrolet Car! But I hate the Ford Car, and the new Hyundai Car is downright hideous!”
This could even be potentially dangerous if it were injected into the pharmaceutical world: “Grandma, did you take your Drug and your Drug and your Drug? Nooooo! You can’t take your Drug with your Drug after eating grapefruit!!”
So clearly this is a problem. But I’m not here just to point out the problem; I’m here to propose a solution. We need to Name the Moon! And an election, a world-wide election, would be the most democratic way to get this done.
Human beings love elections, and I can already envision world-wide campaigns for various names: Selene (Greek goddess of the moon), Jericho (Hebrew for moon), Ayla or Aylin (Turkish for moon), Luna (Spanish and Italian for moon, and also the Roman goddess of the moon), Chandra (Hindi and Sanskrit for moon), Mona (Old English for moon), or Hina (the Hawaiian moon goddess). There might even be a campaign for the name Keith — after the late drummer of the Who, Keith Moon.
What could go wrong here?
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, our sun, Sun, doesn’t have a name either.
You’re welcome!
