by Tom Shafer
Posted April 1, 2018
So, in March of 2018, I was honored to officiate my niece’s wedding in Orlando, Florida. The state makes it very easy to acquire licensure for such things, and after a not-so-rigorous test of my digits and their ability to left-click a wireless mouse, I had my credentials to marry (and I suppose bury) human beings (made perfectly clear on the website) in Orange County. Though many questioned the sanity of my niece, others decided that they would simply wait for the hilarious/disastrous YouTube that would most certainly follow my performance that evening. Fortunately for me, my niece banned any photography at the ceremony (except for the professionals), and so far, no grainy versions have appeared on the black market — or at the supermarket for that matter. Anyway, what follows is a transcript of that very beautiful wedding. I have changed the names of all participants to protect the innocent — and any family reputations.
Good evening. We are gathered together on this day to witness and celebrate the marriage of Mindy and Mork. We come together not to mark the start of a relationship, but to acknowledge and assist in strengthening a bond that already exists.
Based on his outfit, looks like the groom lost a bet.
I have to admit that when Mindy and Mork honored me by asking if I would perform this ceremony, I was more than a little apprehensive and daunted at the prospect of following a formal script and preparing a few remarks – and then doing that in front of dozens of people. I mean, I did spend 30 years in the performing arts – as a high school English teacher in Ohio. But this is different. This is more serious. I was told I couldn’t wing it or start the ceremony with “Maw′wiage. Mawwiage′ is what bwings us togethew today” – yes, a not-so-well-delivered line from The Princess Bride. But, this is for Mindy and Mork – and who can say no to either of them. So here we are.
After Mindy and Mork first came to Ohio to meet family, I was asked numerous times what I thought about Mork and then what I thought about them together. The first word that came to mind for Mork was “energy” – pure, unadulterated energy – and when I thought about them together, the word was “electric,” that clearly they were attracted and meant to be together. Yet, I’m willing to bet that when people first meet these two – and see how dynamic they are together — then discover their given professions (Mindy a photographer, Mork an engineer), those people might automatically think, yep, opposites attract, and though that is true of magnets, it doesn’t really work with people.
Yes, some may think that if there’s an Oscar, there needs to be a Felix – the classic odd couples from The Odd Couple – and yes, some of you may need to Google that. But trust me, even Oscar and Felix aren’t complete opposites. Nor are Sandy and Danny from Grease, nor Hermoine and Ron from Harry Potter. A close examination of those relationships reveals many more similarities than differences.
In science, we think of the North and South Poles as being polar opposites, but they are electromagnetically attracted to each other – and this is what brings earth to life. And in an atom, electrons – which are negatively charged – orbit protons – which are positively charged – and these atoms combine to create the building blocks of matter and ultimately life.
Okay, so you didn’t know you were getting psychology and science lessons today – I’m just trying to show you that opposites really aren’t opposites at all – and that is so true of Mindy and Mork.
Both of them have an eye for detail and see the world differently than many of us. Mork, as an engineer, will see the form and functionality of a bridge – while still appreciating its elegance and artistry. And Mindy, while photographing a beautiful bride, might see the light catching her face in just the perfect way, illuminating it, and she will try to capture that moment for all posterity. In essence, that is what we are doing here today – capturing a moment for all posterity.
And in so many ways they very much compliment and balance each other. Where Mork is more outgoing and adventurous, Mindy is attracted to that adventure and will follow him as they hop on the back of the Harley for a ride to the beach. And though it is easy for both of them to be idealistic – because that is the nature of being young – Mindy is grounded to the realism of the moment and brings Mork along with her. And they are already building a successful life together and have created a solid foundation for a future that lacks certainty and normalcy. What is certain is that Mindy and Mork have already become a team and are already supporting each other as they navigate that uncertain future.
Mindy and Mork want to thank their families for their love and support on this journey. And they have selected a reading from the Bible, from Matthew, to punctuate this moment: “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
A wise man once said that supposed opposites aren’t just attracted, they’re protracted – and that in relationships, opposites don’t exist, they persist. Such wisdom: two people, attracted in a lasting relationship, not just existing, but living. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the wise man who said that is me.
So, enough from me. This moment is for Mindy and Mork. Suffice it to say that all of us here are ready to help them kick-start and celebrate the official beginning of their lives together. So, with that said, the two of them have chosen to write and deliver their own vows.
Their vows.
Morkiam, do you take Mindy to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love her unconditionally from this day to your last day? He does.
Mindy, do you take Morkiam to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love him unconditionally from this day to your last day? She does.
Can we have the rings? Morkiam, repeat after me: “I give you this ring — as a symbol of my infinite love — As I place it on your finger — I give you all that I am — and ever hope to be.”
Mindy, repeat after me: “I give you this ring — as a symbol of my infinite love — As I place it on your finger — I give you all that I am — and ever hope to be.”
By the authority vested in me by all powers of the universe, I pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride!
Visual confirmation of my ordination — at least in Florida
Minister Shafer, looking as cool as ever, ready to betroth all comers. BTW, is that a spider or salt shaker on my shoulder?
English musician John Waite
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