So You Think You Can Name a Rock Band

by Tom Shafer

Updated November 30, 2018

Okay, so winter boredom can lead us down some strange paths. How else can you explain the Flask Tie, the Baby Mop, and the Hug Me Pillow (all real inventions — look ’em up!). Couple that winter boredom with a ruptured colon, and well, welcome to my world in January and February of 2015. After years of doctor-approved Vicodin use (bad left knee: three ACL tears and surgical repairs, one ACL replacement surgery, one total knee replacement, all before the age of forty-four) – oh, and a handful of beers, my colon finally gave up during the first quarter of The Ohio State football victory in the National Championship game on January 12, 2015.

Thinking that I was just suffering the consequences of my wife’s dinner (her words!), I moaned and groaned – and made multiple bathroom visits – through the end of the first quarter, when my distended abdomen began to resemble the birth scene from the movie Alien. A drive to our local hospital denied my alien birth theory, but confirmed a life-threatening ruptured colon. After surviving a four+ hour surgery to remove approximately ten to twelve inches of my colon (oh, and to vacuum the contents of my wife’s dinner from my belly button to my shoulder blades), I spent a week peeing at the hospital (one catheter, around-the-clock powerful antibiotics). I slept a lot at the hospital, but once I got home, it didn’t take long for the boredom to set in.

Ordinarily, I’m a pretty active guy, but a major surgery and my constant-companion-wound-vac (picture a suction machine slowly closing a big open wound over a two month period) necessitated lots of R&R, which brought on B&B – boredom and boredom. So one day, phone in hand, I entertained myself by entering lots of useless information into the Cloud. I started with boring stuff (car info, my medical history) then moved on to more interesting lists (concerts I have attended, hikes and climbs I have completed). While thinking about bowling teams I had named over the years (Sons of Uranus, Leaky Peters, Rollin’ Colons – yes, I realize how juvenile I am), it hit me! “These could also be the names of rock bands! I’m going to start a band naming company!” (And yes, I was taking a few boredom- er, painkillers.) My delusion was temporary, but it did lead to a fun afternoon of band naming. And, given the poor state of band naming that exists today (think Kajagoogoo or When People Were Shorter and Lived Near the Water – yes, a real band name), I figured I couldn’t possibly be worse – or could I?

The following list started on that day, but I have added a few names over time and have had some help, notably my niece Audrey who is on a weird level close to my own. BTW, I challenge you to start your own list. It might even lead be a fun evening with family and friends! Oh, and another BTW, this list might be rated PG13, though frankly that is a self-rating. I haven’t had time to run it by the RIAA or MPAA. Oh, and I haven’t checked to see if any of these names are currently being used. If so, I apologize — or am eagerly awaiting my residuals. Enjoy!

• Sphincters Among Us
• Sons, of Uranus
• Alcohol Salad
• Final Moment
• Gassy Spongers
• Steeply Climbing
• Avoid the Storm
• Cat Noses
• Loud Thud
• Real Big Boom
• Descent Rising
• Radar Dome
• What the Pope Said
• Breed Like Rabbits
• Wave Walkers
• In 3 Days
• Breaking the Silence
• Time Consuming
• Apocalyptic Outcomes
• 24/7/365
• Under Attack
• Old Rhetoric
• Calling for IT
• Off the Record
• Such a Cliché
• Bridge to Nowhere
• Rest of the World
• Tied in a Knot
• The Watchers
• Flummoxed
• Verdict
• Watching Steel
• Lighting the Way
• Waiting for BM
• Butthole Fire
• DSL
• Bagging Some Scott
• The Michael Scotts
• The Third Degree
• Attention Grabbers
• Make More Happen
• Username & Password
• Captain’s Log
• Bull Penis Soup
• Hoosegow
• Frodo Lives
• Bull Semen
• This IS the Matrix
• Finally
• Leaky Peters
• Jupiter Tuesday
• Late Night Prom
• Let’s Go Losers
• Meatloaf in the Sky
• Spanky Rats
• Stupendous Yappi (from X-Files)
• Stabbing Fish
• Collusion
• New Allegations
• Groping Bullies
• Free Information Kit
• Moral Irresponsibility
• Irresponsible Morality
• Poop
• Poop on a Stick
• Deadlocked Jury
• Sticky Mistrial
• DropFoot
• Tides of Change
• The Road Home
• Big Finish (or in Europe, Big Finnish)
• EVP Session