by Tom Shafer
December 26, 2018
So, with all of the chaos encompassing the news these day, I noticed that new words and phrases are being used to explain our world. Okay, so some aren’t so new, but some are now being utilized in different ways.
“Fake news” is enjoying a renaissance of sorts because our president is an idiot, but it has a long history, perhaps going all the way back to the feud between Antony and Octavian, where the latter became Augustus, first emperor of the Roman Empire, after a successful smear campaign against the former. However, most news historians point to the Great Moon Hoax of 1835 as the true beginning of fake news fever. In that year, the newspaper The New York Sun published a number of stories purporting that a colony of aliens (actually bat-humans and blue unicorns – and they provided illustrations!) was living on the moon. During the First World War, fake news in the form of propaganda was weaponized by German and English newspapers, and the Germans successfully continued the use of it in the build up to – then during – the Second World War. Our own government proffered fake news during Vietnam War briefings, an optimism campaign of sorts that was countered by ugly images being conveyed during the nightly evening news. Of course today, fake news is so ubiquitous that you can’t swing a verified and truthful “fake news” story without hitting three brand new ones – which will also be verified and deemed truthful.
Perhaps the original Bat-Man. This is one of many illustrations
that accompanied the Great Moon Hoax story.
We are hearing a lot about “Brexit” now because, well, the Brits are idiots (specifically former Prime Minister David Cameron and his Conservative party) who actually allowed their citizenry an opportunity to vote on the country’s status as a member of the European Union. In everyday terms, that would be like allowing your disgruntled and grounded seventeen-year-old to vote for his or her own emancipation. Of course he or she will vote “yes,” and of course neither he nor she will have a plan for this newfound freedom – but how coooool will it be when he or she declares to friends, “But at least I’m emancipated!” That and a dollar (or Euro) will buy him or her (or England) one-third of a tall caffe latte at Starbucks.
When I was a child, my darkened room was “lit” by a Snoopy-themed Lite Brite (my own artistic rendering), but today your high schoolers are getting “lit” at unauthorized parties with Fireballs, Twisted Tea, and Black Fly. And, if they are getting “lit” after being “lit” at one of these parties, I hope they are using protection of some sort – and aren’t allowing their friends to YouTube their “performance art.”
If you happen to have a twenty-three-year-old game-playing college dropout living the life of a vampire in the bedroom of his or her youth, you may be experiencing rejection of “adulting,” a term allocated to the phenomena of performing adult-like tasks (like holding a job, paying bills, or cleaning a litterbox). When I was a kid, we called these people “losers” – but I’m told that this is too insensitive, that I should call them “adult-challenged” instead. I think what I will do is carry saliva-flavored pacifiers with me and hand them out to the “adult-challenged” people who are no-doubt hanging out in those vaping lounges that are popping up like unwanted, angry pustules on prom night. Is that too insensitive?
And for those of you who just “woke” – where the hell have you been? Human life is a history of injustice. Just pick any group; they’ve all had their issues. It’s up to every one of us to stay vigilant, to protect the most vulnerable among us. And, if you think life is not like middle school, you aren’t paying any attention. And I know ALL of you were woke then!
I could go on with many more examples, but unfortunately I need to finish so that I can get to my job at the troll farm. Being retired (though doing some freelance work), I really wasn’t looking for any type of gainful employment. But when a LinkedIn employer specified that it was in need of “a writer prolific in cynicism, hyperbole, exaggeration, and sarcasm,” I thought it might be fun to give those things a try. My only real disappointment so far is the fact that I have yet to see any of the trolls supposedly lurking about this farm. Someone suggested that I use a mirror – though frankly I’m not sure how that is going to help.
Co-worker Big Budd (I’m pretty sure he’s a Buddhist) and I (on the left) taking a break
The Mountain Goats, an indie-folk band based in North Carolina
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