Happy New Year, Christopher Columbus?

by Tom Shafer

December 31, 2018

So, I was working through my physical therapy this morning and chatting with my therapist about New Year’s Eve plans. He admitted that he was likely to celebrate the new year at 10 p.m. and hopefully be asleep by 10:30. My plans were less committal, but I revealed that I would probably be the only one still awake in my household, and that I would be sharing the witching hour with Andy and Anderson on CNN – oh, and hoping that the rain would let up enough for my neighbor to set off his impressive yearly fireworks display.

Later, as I got to thinking more about this “holiday” while cooling down on a stationary bike, I began to question its legitimacy AS a holiday. When I was teaching, I took for granted the dynamic duo of Christmas followed by New Year’s. What it meant to me was a two plus week respite (sort of) from my kids, my responsibilities as an advisor or committee chair, my creation of lesson plans, my performances in the classroom, and my grading of endless essays and other critical assignments. Of course, Christmas demanded numerous familial obligations, the completion of last minute shopping, and the wrapping of presents – oh, and I was kidding about lesson plans and grading. I never had a respite from those.

Anyway, now that I can look at things more objectively because of retirement, the whole New Year’s thing seems pretty shady. Most of the other holidays make perfect sense: MLK Day = recognition of MLK and the civil rights movement; Presidents’ Day = appreciation for the services of two (George and Abe) important presidents (and sort of all the others); Memorial Day = veneration for service members who have died for our country; Independence Day = acknowledgement for the birth of our nation; Labor Day = tribute to the impact of the American worker; Veterans Day = admiration for those who are giving service to our country; Thanksgiving = thanks for a bountiful harvest (and life) and a forgiving God; and Christmas = reverence for the birth of Jesus Christ.

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Now, those of you who are paying attention will note the absence of Columbus Day, and that’s for a very good reason. Columbus Day is stupid. Columbus was NOT the first person to discover the “New World.” That honor goes to the people who crossed the land bridge between what are now Siberia and Alaska perhaps as many as 130,000 years ago (a new theory – and they are known as Denisovans!). And, even if you want to dismiss that, Columbus was NOT the first Caucasian man to reach the Americas. Leif Ericson beat him (L’Anse aux Meadows, or Leifsbúðir, in Newfoundland) by a mere 500 years – and HE may not have been the first (perhaps the Celts on the Arkansas River in the Oklahoma panhandle as early as 3000 years ago)! We also cannot forgive Columbus for the physical brutality and abysmal working conditions imparted to those Native Americans that he enslaved on the island of Hispaniola – and I have yet to mention the diseases (smallpox, measles, influenza) he and his men inadvertently brought with them, killing 235,000 of the 250,000 Taino natives in just twenty years. Now, I’ll gladly recognize the holiday again, but only after it is renamed Indigenous Peoples’ Day, where we can celebrate the contributions of Native Americans (like my people the Cherokee) to our country.

Okay, so back to New Year’s Day. Supposedly, this day acknowledges the beginning of the Julian (as in Julius Caesar) and Gregorian (as in Pope Gregory XIII) calendars. Before Caesar, the Roman calendar followed a lunar cycle – which made things quite messy. So, Caesar employed an astronomer who convinced him to utilize a solar cycle (calculated at 365 and ¼ days). And, to keep the calendar consistent, he added an extra day (to February) every fourth year. Just for Trumpian fun, he renamed the month of Quintilis after himself (July). His successor Augustus also renamed a month, using August (duh!) instead of Sextilis. To be honest, Sextilis is much more fun – as in the dog days of Sextilis. I’m just saying. Anyway, I hope Trump doesn’t decide to rename a month, like maybe his birthday month of June. Just the idea of writing Trump 14, 2019, brings some vomitus to the top of my esophageal sphincter. Maybe he’ll just rename flags after himself so we can always celebrate “trumps” on his birthday, as in June 14 = Trump Day. I think I’m gonna spew!

Well, there it is. That’s what we celebrate on January 1st. Pretty silly, isn’t it? When I think about it, we could be celebrating so many more important days or achievements. What about Election Day (the Tuesday following the first Monday in November)? Or Moon Landing Day (July 20)? And you stupid deniers can just accept it because you’re getting the day off – that is if you actually have a job. Is that too harsh? Why not recognize Women’s Suffrage Day (August 18) or the end of WWII (September 2)? Every one of these makes more sense than New Year’s Day. Besides, January 1st brings so much negativity: arguments that stem from drunkenness; hangovers that stem from drunkenness; anger because someone is going to make you eat sauerkraut for luck; disappointment due to lost bowl games; disappointment due to resolutions you know you are going to break.

Okay, I’m a realist and I know many of you want to keep your ball drops and bowl games and parades and pork products and broken resolutions, so I guess we can keep New Year’s celebrations, but under one condition: we must add Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19) to our list of federal holidays. That makes way more sense anyway. Arrrggh!!!

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