Hey, Ian, We’re Keeping Montana!

by Tom Shafer

February 22, 2019

In case you weren’t paying close attention to news events during the second week of February 2019 (perhaps you were distracted by Valentine’s planning), a change.org petition proposed selling Montana to Canada for one trillion dollars to help pay off the national debt. “We have too much debt and Montana is useless,” the petition read. “Just tell them (the Canadians) it has beavers or something.” Montana legislators worked feverishly to script a bill opposing their state’s sale, though some welcomed the idea of more maple syrup, better tea, and universal health care. Well, actually, Montana legislators were just having a little fun with their “bill.” Anyway, this was my “fun” take on this change.org petition.

Dear stupid Ian Hammond and your thirteen thousand plus stupid signators:

Montana is going nowhere. Your idea of selling that handsome state to Canada for one trillion dollars as a means to pay down U.S. debt is as ridiculous as your statement that “Montana is useless.”

Currently, our debt is north of twenty-two trillion dollars, and unfortunately, no member of either chamber of Congress is showing any financial determination to do anything about it. In fact, more often than not, congressional members are determined to defend their cherished pet projects at any cost – “We’ll figure out funding for it later.” In essence, you would be handing a one trillion dollar check to 435 federally supported shopaholics. Do you really think that money will be a subtraction line under our debt? How naïve you are!

Beyond that silliness, I take it you have never visited Montana and all of its glory. I say that because if you had ever spent any time there, this inane idea would have never popped into your Cro-Magnon brain.

First, there is the jewel of our park service, Glacier National Park. Coupled with a small section of Yellowstone NP (along with over fifty state parks), Montana is an outdoorsperson’s dream. These protected places provide some of the best experiences anywhere on our planet, whether it be hiking the Highline Trail in Glacier or fly-fishing the Yellowstone River or snow skiing Big Sky Resort.

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Economically, Montana is important to our country in numerous industries. Beer drinkers have certainly enjoyed the state’s barley while consuming a delicious steak from one of its ranches. Housing starts in the West rely on lumber harvested from Montana’s national forests. Some of the precious metals utilized in the production of your computer and other electronics probably came from the many mines in operation throughout the state. Your favorite winter fleece likely contains wool from a Montana sheep.

From a geo-political standpoint, Montana may be one of our most important states. Malmstrom Air Force Base, located outside of Great Falls, maintains and operates the Minuteman intercontinental ballistic missile program — our nuclear protection web that keeps us, at minimum, on equal footing with Russia’s nuclear program. One hundred and fifty silo sites in Montana alone each contain three nuclear missiles, and the flyaway cost for each one is $20 to $70 million. A modernization program is slated to spend an additional $1.2 trillion over the next thirty years to bring the fleet and arsenal up-to-date. Selling Montana would only weaken our military stance with the rest of the world.

Oh, and seven Native American tribes may take umbrage with your offer because they haven’t been consulted. And, since they possess 8,733 square miles of land within the boundaries of Montana (approximately the same size as the state of New Jersey), you’d better lawyer-up pretty quickly. This state is important to these tribes, and in particular, the sacred sites of Little Bighorn and Big Hole National Battlefields.

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And we can’t forget the wonderful western towns of Montana: Missoula, Kalispell, Bozeman, Great Falls, Helena, and Billings to name a few. These are agricultural centers, recreational gateways, college towns, and industrial hubs, all full of quaint western restaurants, cute regional shops and boutiques, and important cultural and historical museums (like Bozeman’s Museum of the Rockies). You’ll have a fight on your hands with these people as well.

Actually, I know how this will end. Some news outlets will hunt you down and we will discover that Reddit makes it far too easy for idiots like you to have a little fun with the American people. You are just craving a little attention and thought an “idea” like this might garner it for you. Well, it worked. What you may not have counted on were other small-minded, Cro-Magnon Neanderthals. They like the idea. They think it has merit. They might even want to sell other states to clear our debt. Without a doubt, I know they voted for Trump.

As for me, well, I love Montana and have spent much time there – and certainly will be going back. Ian, I suggest you hop in your car right now and make your way to Montana. Kayak the Missouri River through the wild and gorgeous Missouri Breaks. Take a boat trip on the Missouri River through the Gates of the Mountains, an important Lewis and Clark site. Check out Montana’s ancient history of dinosaurs (among other things) at the Museum of the Rockies in Bozeman. Drive Glacier’s Going-to-the-Sun Road, one of the most iconic thoroughfares on the planet. Hike to and camp at the top of Shooting Star Mountain in Yellowstone. Then, drop by Jake’s in Billings for one of the best prime ribs you will ever put into your stomach.

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Yep, America, Montana is ours. I would propose sending Ian and his followers to Canada for nothing, but I would hate to punish Canada over this idiocy. I suppose we could send them to our southern border, maybe offer them up to cuddly MS-13 to work in their public relations department. Or perhaps we could just allow Ian and Friends to crawl back into the primordial ooze from whence they came.

Ian, the Big Sky of the Great Plains is going nowhere.

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