Hey, Jellyfish Brain!

by Tom Shafer

January 25, 2018

We learn lots of useful information from those interruptions of our favorite TV programs, namely commercials.  If I had not been paying attention, I might not have known that sloths are terrible at Pictionary.  Or that emperor penguins use GPS to find their mating grounds.  Or that sumo wrestlers are amazingly graceful on the ice.  Those short, educational Geico documentaries are important.  However, had I not been watching my nightly stories, how would I know that a jellyfish could make me smarter?

Okay, so there’s no way a jellyfish could make me smarter.  I’m like a really smart person.  I went to an Ivory League school (so clean!).  I know all the best words.  I have one of the great memories of all time.  Wait a minute.  Now I’m one of the greatest plagiarists of all time because those are the utterings of Donald Trump.  Anyway, there’s little doubt a jellyfish could make Donald smarter.  Practically anything could make him smarter: reading his morning briefings, listening to his military advisers, observing the real world, watching cartoons instead of Fox and Friends, contemplating the significance of our place in the universe – well, maybe I went too far.

But this episode is not about Donald Trump.  It’s about Prevagen, the jellyfish drug.  Perhaps you have seen this commercial.  It suggests that as you get older, your brain just doesn’t work as well and that inserting a jellyfish into it will really, really help.  Okay, inserting a whole jellyfish into the brain probably doesn’t work for most people, but somehow inserting a little bit (in pill form) does.  What isn’t explained in the commercial is how it works, which is my question.  Do scientists retract the brain of the jellyfish, or is the “medicine” is in the tentacles?  Maybe jellyfish urine has special palliative powers – what researchers call PP.

I have to admit, my knowledge of jellyfish is limited.  Back when I was a kid, I stepped on one in Florida and it stung me.  A new little buddy of mine suggested that the only way to assuage the pain (his words) was to pee on it.  Now I already told you how smart I am, so what did I do?  Open an encyclopedia?  Consult a doctor?  Watch that informative jellyfish episode of Friends?  Go under the hood and troll the internet?  Oops, those last two weren’t available.  Anyway, I did what any kid would do in that situation – with the white hot glare of pee – er, peer – pressure on me.  Yep, I peed on it.  Did it help?  Yeah, the pain was assuaged, but the five minute debate with Brainy McBrains probably helped as much.  And, had I consulted the column Hints from Heloise, I would have learned that a combination of vinegar and baking soda could also make the pain go away.  BTW, Heloise is convinced that vinegar and baking soda can solve any problem – including what to do with North Korea – and for $5, she’ll send you a pamphlet that will change your life.  Anyway, perhaps peeing on my own brain would really, really help.  Maybe I should consult YouTube first.

And how do I know that a jellyfish is smart or has a good memory?  I’ve always heard that dolphins, ravens, and chimpanzees are intelligent, and that elephants and horses have very good memories.  But I don’t recall ever eating raven beak or putting ground horse hoof into my Mylanta – “Hmmm, that’s good hoof!  Hints of Kentucky bluegrass, fresh mud, and carrot – nope, that’s carrot infused with manure.”  So, where is the jellyfish on those intelligence/memory lists?  Nowhere.  Is this just another one of those “fake news” commercials?

And the commercial itself is impressive.  It starts with a realistic 3D brain cut out (a “dramatization”), then focuses on my old synapses firing poorly.  Suddenly, after an infusion of jellyfish urine, my brain and its old synapses are now a whirl of activity, possibly solving mysteries of the universe or pointing the way to my missing Jeep keys – both equally important.  We finally get to an impressive graphic with an arrow pointing up, proving that my memory is vastly improved – or that my brain has been cleared for take-off on runway 7A.  But, underneath the graph are small, dimly lit words stating that “in a computer assessed, double-blinded, placebo controlled study, Prevagen improved recall tasks in subjects.” 

Crickets. 

“Computer assessed”? “Improved recall tasks”?  The graph itself suggests 20% memory improvement in 90 days.  If this is my pharmaceutical company, the wording would assert something akin to this: “Have the memory of 90 pound nitwit?  Want to have the memory of 239 pound, 27 time champion of Jeopardy Donald J. Trump, reported by Time magazine, whose covers are displayed proudly on the walls of many Trump hotels?  Take Prevagen today and allow the soothing properties of jellyfish urine to heal your broken brain!”

But then, there is another statement under that “computer assessed . . . placebo controlled” gobbledygook, telling us that Prevagen has not been evaluated by the FDA and that “this product is not intended to treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”  Oh.  That explains the minimal language “improved recall tasks.”  So that graph is likely misleading.  Now I’m thinking that a good night’s sleep might be as good as Prevagen.  Or eating a healthy diet.  Or wearing a plaid jacket on Wednesday.

I’m very disappointed.  I so wanted to brag to my friends that I have the brain of a jellyfish.  In this age of misinformation, I suppose I could just lie and tell them how Prevagen is changing my life.  But that’s not my style.  Alas.  I guess I’m not meant to be a pee brain after all – like Donald J. Trump.

By the way, I wonder what happens when you give Prevagen to a jellyfish?