Hi, America. I wanna buy a tank.

by Tom Shafer

February 18, 2018

This writing is a reaction to the February 14, 2018, mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Seventeen students and staff members were killed by a disturbed former student wielding an AR-15 style semi-automatic rifle.

Hi, America.  I wanna buy a tank.

It’s about time I do it, too.  Certainly, this latest school shooting in Florida will finally convince Congress that it needs to rethink our lax gun laws and enact legislation that most Americans agree on: more stringent background checks, closing gun show loopholes, banning assault weapons and bump stocks.  And personally, I think we can go further with age restrictions and mandatory training.  But, these common sense restrictions might stop the next disturbed nineteen year old from acquiring an AR-15 so he can murder his classmates.

And really, I already have a few weapons that I play with occasionally – but I don’t have a tank.  My collection includes a Winchester model 70, 30-06; a JC Higgins 20 gauge shotgun; an H. Pieper single shot .22; a Taurus .38 Special; a Dan Wesson .45 Long Colt revolver; and a Fascist Italian army .380 Beretta that my father-in-law brought back from the Korean War.  I no longer use the long guns for hunting because I’m not providing food for my table in that way.  Kroger does it for me now.  When I was younger, my dad and I would hunt in the fall, sometimes in the woods behind my house.  Mostly we would kill squirrels and rabbits, and the unfortunate pheasant or quail that would light from our path as we walked along.  Around Thanksgiving, we would travel to Brown County in southern Ohio to bag our yearly deer.  Anything we killed made it to our table, though looking back on it now, I realize that dad and I were the only ones eating this sumptuous fare.  While we were enjoying the lean, dark meat of Skippy the Squirrel, my brother, sister, and mother were eating chicken patty sandwiches.  So now, I mostly use the guns to kill paper, hay, grass, and dirt at a local gun range.

So, back to my tank.  I don’t necessarily need one and am not sure where I would keep it – though I have yet to contact the owner of the storage facility where I grudgingly maintain mismatched furniture and assorted knick-knacks that will likely never see the inside of my house.  My Abrams M1A1 tank – yes, I’d like the more collectible first addition – would look good next to the Coachmen Freelander and Gulf Stream Yellowstone already there.  But when these new gun laws are enacted – as they surely will be – my hour’s old dream of owning a tank will be merely a pipe bomb dream – er, pipe dream.

Some of you may be wondering, “Why do you want a tank anyway?  Why don’t you settle for a nice Smith & Wesson M&P Sport assault rifle or a cute 50 caliber Bushmaster BA?”  I have to admit, those might be nice.  However, why get those when I can still get a tank?  I’m not sure, but I have to believe that it’s easier to buy an AR or 50 cal on the black market than an Abrams tank.  And when these new gun laws finally take hold – because this time is different – the vision of me and my tank cruising the rolling hills of southwestern Ohio will vaporize like a cedar tree crushed by my 120 mm smoothbore cannon.

So America, if you want your own tank, you’d better get in line behind me.  I’m sure there’s a limited supply (I’m eyeing one with the NATO tri-color camouflage profile myself), and you don’t want to miss out on this last-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  Congress will surely act this time, and I don’t want to be tank-less.

Because undoubtedly, this time IS different.

Isn’t it?

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