by Tom Shafer
March 2, 2021
So, I recently received a request from one of my faithful Eastern readers, as in India, and in particular, the city of Indore. She maintains her own blog there and wondered whether I would mind her listing some quotations from my writings. Because she likes the way I think (her words!), she wanted to create a post as a means of introducing my blog to her readers. Flattered, I of course acquiesced, and unsolicited, she declared that she was going to send me a list of quotes she would likely utilize.
Now, I expected the “list” would include two or three short quotes, pithy statements that revealed my humor, sarcasm, or juvenile wisdom. I even guessed what they might be (correctly I might add!). But, what she sent was more than two or three — way more! I’m not exactly sure what she plans to do with all of these, but I am impressed with the collection she has amassed. I also figure that this is just another manifestation of COVID fatigue, that given tremendous amounts of boredom, people will do almost anything to fill time in the day (no offense, Binita!).
Anyway, because she went to all of the trouble of gathering and wrangling my words in this way — and because this is an easy posting for this lazy writer — I will provide Binita’s list just as she sent it to me. I have to admit, it was fun for me to see how other people view the relative “importance” of my words. Enjoy!
- Perceived power can be powerfully intoxicating.
- Life is best lived in 3D.
- Make the world your oyster; if not, someone may soak you in cocktail sauce and eat you.
- Life isn’t a checklist.
- Innocence lost cannot be regained.
- After this pandemic is over – whatever that means – I propose that we place the phrase “in these unprecedented times” in a time capsule and bury it with the explicit instructions, “Break open only in event of a global emergency.” Then, we should vow never to use it again.
- Cereal saturation is a serial sin!
- In high school, I was voted “most likely to suffer needlessly from self-decapitation.”
- You can’t live death. (about the American “controversy” over mask wearing)
- I have always held the belief that all living things have an undeniable right to life.
- Being an uncomfortable heathen with some Buddhist leanings, I don’t know who – or what – god is, but I’m certain we shouldn’t be playing Him, Her, or It with any living beings, including insects.
- Who wouldn’t want Sasquatch roaming around the woods behind his house?
- Anger and arousal would engorge the Penisaurus nearly to bursting – but thankfully, this cartoonist never allowed his white-hot passion to get the best of him.
- And, the more you let it rattle around in your brain, the more you realize how significant EACH AND EVERY life event is – from the mundane (like picking a pencil off of the floor) to the momentous (like uniting with a life partner). You may never realize an event’s importance – until it directly affects a subsequent event. Picking that pencil off the floor might land you in the hospital with a broken hip or have you accidently bumping heads with a future significant other who was doing the same!
- Evolution has continued steadily throughout our human history and cultural development, and reached a sort of climax with the birth of our nation (America), birth of a true democratic society and government. The world took notice, particularly the then-threatened autocracies, and the idea of freedom began to sweep across the globe. Two world conflicts and a cold war secured this fledgling “freedom,” but its security has since been threatened by autocrats who want to counter natural evolution and drag us back to that primordial shoreline. Devolution has begun.
- Because of the spoken – and written – word, people can do unspeakable things.
- As little kids, we are enchanted by ghost stories and things that go bump in the night. But as we age, we become more skeptical about such things – perhaps because real life stuff becomes even more frightening!
- Don’t dwell on your significant moments and their aftermaths. It might be an interesting exercise to look back at your life map to see how you got to the present, but there is danger in dwelling too much, Will Robinson! Knowing history helps us not to repeat it, but reliving it helps nothing. Remember, though Doc Graham (from the movie Field of Dreams) never got to bat in the major leagues, his decision to practice medicine was a better one for him – and the townspeople where he lived. There, his life ripples affected so many more people. Today, yours might as well.
- An examined life can be a frightening proposition. An unexamined life is safe and risk-free. Ignorance IS bliss.
- Unlike what some believe, I really don’t think that choices are necessarily good or bad. They just are. Only their outcomes can be judged (should you choose to) “good” or “bad.”
- When I was teaching, I frequently told my students that there are really just two profane words in the English language, two words, once uttered, that cannot be undone: disappointment and regret. The less you experience both, the happier you will be.
- Have you ever wondered about the randomness of your entry into this world? That you were born to your parents instead of another set? That you were reared in the town (and country) of your parents’ choosing instead of another? That you were blessed – or cursed – with the early experiences that have so defined you?
- I always want my self to be more content than happy.
- By the time I reached my early twenties, my instant retrieval system had wandered down the mesolimbic pathway and parked itself in the “party zone” part of my brain – an area where recovery of inappropriate information is most often revealed after several beers and two shots of chilled Crown Royal.
- Oh, and here’s a fun fact: Krampus was boycotted by Fascists in Austria during the 1930s for being anti-Christian and evil. Sooooo, they recognized evil in a mythical, human-created beast, yet followed Adolph Hitler down the anus (not annals) of history. Oh those crazy Austrians!
- For those of you who just “woke” – where the hell have you been? Human life is a history of injustice. Just pick any group; they’ve all had their issues. It’s up to every one of us to stay vigilant, to protect the most vulnerable among us. And, if you think life is not like middle school, you aren’t paying any attention. And I know ALL of you were woke then!
- I wonder what happens when you give Prevagen to a jellyfish?
- I submit to you that this (not returning shopping carts to their corrals) is the first crack in the fabric of civil humanity – or human civility (purposeful mixed metaphor – which BTW was the name of my junior high punk-philharmonic band).
- Yes, the iPhone 26 with 3,000,000 megapixels and semi-passive aggressive impulse control – SPA-IC™ (yep, just made it up – but am trademarking it just in case) is impressive, but can it efficiently park some mac and cheese into your left cheek or quarter some two by fours for that deck you’re building? I think not.
- Fortunately, I didn’t follow my dad’s side of the family into the coalmines near Beckley, West Virginia (and neither did he); instead, I mined ignorance from the minds of my students and attempted to replace it with knowledge (I wasn’t always successful). I sowed the seeds of knowledge with my students and harvested . . . eww, yuck . . . I think I’ll stop with the awful metaphors now.
- I submit that more than a few of you do not know what a “wazoo” is. Anus if you do, you just saw the definition at the beginning of this sentence.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene won her 2020 congressional seat in northern Georgia overwhelmingly, though frankly an old goat named Harry or an unnamed pair of tube socks with blue stripes might have given her a run for her money – as long as they were declared Republicans in one of the most Republican districts in America.
- You’re an idiot if you believe that our world, the earth, is being levered by a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles. (referring to QAnon)
- So America, you may as well get behind my candidacy and the Malted Barley party now. My lager-than-life campaign will work hard to fulfill ale of your wildest American drams – and make easier your pursuit of hoppiness. At this portershed moment in our history, I will beer the change we need right now. And of Coors, I will always have your bock. This is no time to be sober! Shafer 2020 – The One President to Have!!
- Outside of his lying, misogyny, bigotry, infidelity, and general immorality — oh and the fact that he’s about as Christian as I am (I’m not) — Trump’s a really great guy!
- In times of crisis, leaders step up, consult with experts, tamp down fears, pull people together, and attempt to deploy the right levers.
- Is that how Mary and Joseph would have been treated by Trump’s America when they were looking for place to give birth? Imagine the rebel Jesus, as a baby, living in a cage. (referring to Trump’s border policy)
- Remember, you Republicans claim to be the party of conservative Christians, so you should be mindful of your bible teachings. Matthew 15:11 might be a good place to start: “It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth.” Again, this heathen continues to teach you with your own book.
- Our country (America) is not getting older, whiter, dumber, and more masculine. Shrinking the voting pool is the only way Republicans can grow their constituency. Good luck with that.
- Now, rapidly approaching my sixties, I consider myself an atheistic, agnostic Christian Buddhist who has few answers to too many questions.
- Sometimes memories are so strong you can taste them – like chalk in a primary school classroom.
- The rest of the evening was uneventful – if a campfire, a beautiful sky, a hatch of fireflies, and a quiet, peaceful night can ever be uneventful!
- Unfortunately, I speak little-to-no owl. Like other languages, I can only count numbers in owl: one, two-hoo, tha-ree — which, by the way, is the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
- I would best define wisdom as knowledge enhanced by experience with a touch of spirituality (W = K + E + S).
- Life itself is our best teacher; it’s up to us to listen to what she has to say.
- All of the knowledge in the world is meaningless until it is activated by experience. It is those life experiences which give meaning to what we learn.
- Lessons learned from failure become bookmarks for wisdom.
- “I can’t” is no cant to live by. “I’ll try” is the motto of winners and doers.
- The only people who suck at life are dead.
- I agree totally with Einstein, who famously posited E = mc², which when translated into laymen’s terms means Enjoyment = my contentment².
- I’m not anti-NRA; I’m more anti any organization that espouses political beliefs, then holds its members hostage to those beliefs. Believe it or not, I like to think for myself. No organization will ever speak for me. These beliefs are mine exclusively, so I will never allow them to be absconded, misused, or perverted. Therefore, I am a card-carrying member of nothing — no organizations, allegiances, anything — unless being a RedCard Target holder counts, then yes, I am affiliated with Target.
- Dear Star Wars: Please install Plandom Turd (or Turd Plandom – depending on star galaxy or planet) as your next villain. Not only is it a cool name for an extra-evil villain, it is also an anagram for Donald Trump. Sincerely, the World
English rock band Led Zeppelin
