Pun of the Weak

These are some of the older puns.  I sure hope you like them.  Most people do.  On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I like using misdirection in my jokes, or do I?

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana cause?

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.  He’s a Singer songwriter — or sew it seams.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do.

If you are attacked by a gang of circus performers, you should definitely go for the juggler.

A cow that cannot produce milk is considered an udder failure.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.

If I become demoralized, does that mean that I was once moralized?

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar.  Things got a little tense.

Cat puns really freak meowt.  I’m not kitten!

After marriage, a dentist and manicurist will fight tooth and nail.

If “I am” is the shortest sentence in English, then “I do” must be the longest.

The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

I ate a dictionary and got thesaurus throat.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I don’t trust atoms.  They make up everything.

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

If we get seasick on the sea, airsick in the air, and carsick in the car, why don’t we get homesick in our homes?

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen — I can feel it.

I bought a dictionary and when I got home realized all the pages were blank.  I have no words for how angry I am.

I bought my wife a “get better soon” card.  She’s not sick — I just think she can get better.

• 

Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.

Does it bother you that you can drink a drink but not food a food?

People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

Auto correct made me write things I didn’t nintendo.

Ban pre-shredded cheese — make America grate again.

If something has been debunked, does that mean that it was once bunked?

If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Alligators can grow up to twenty feet, but most grow four.

I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains quite popular.

A book hit my head, and I’ve only my shelf to blame.

I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

When you sue a parsley farmer, you hope to garnish his wages.

I was going to buy a book about phobias but was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

If you bury someone in the wrong place, you’ve made a grave mistake.

I saw an ad for a burial plot and thought to myself, ‘This is the last thing I need.’

Four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. That means one must enjoy it.

My dog used to chase people on scooters a lot. It got so bad that we had to take his scooters away.

To all of my coworkers who have talked about me behind my back: you discussed me.

I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance. She shoved me but I didn’t fall down.

I used to work at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a couple of days off.

When chemists die, their families barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

A will is a dead giveaway.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 

Two silk worms had a race; they ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!

I used to be indecisive, but I’m not sure now.

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

Cross-eyed teachers can’t control their pupils.

Small people are in short supply.

I must confess; I was born at a very early age.

Computers can do things really fast, like get you angry.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

The future will be better tomorrow.

If all the world’s a stage, I must have missed the rehearsal.

I can’t get enough minimalism.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole.

When in doubt, mumble.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’m not lost; I just don’t know where I am.

There are two types of people: those who finish what they start and

Today’s subliminal message is

What I if told you that you just read the beginning of this sentence wrong?

• 

“Rosie”
by Jackson Browne

She was standing at the load-in
When the trucks rolled up
She was sniffin’ all around
Like a half-grown female pup
She wasn’t hard to talk to
Looked like she had nowhere to go
So I gave her a pass
So she could get in and see the show
Well, I sat her down right next to me
And I got her a beer
While I mixed that sound on the stage
So the band could hear
The more I watched her watch them play
The less I thought of to say
And when they walked off stage
You know, the drummer swept that girl away

But Rosie, you’re all right
(You wear my ring)
When you hold me tight
(Rosie, that’s my thing)
When you turn out the light
(I got to hand it to me)
Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie

Well I guess I might have known from the start
She’d come for a star
Well I told my imagination not to run too far
Of all the times that I’ve been burned
By now you think I’d’ve learned
That it’s who you look like,
Not who you are
(You all keep that in mind)

Rosie, you’re all right
(You wear my ring)
When you hold me tight
(Rosie, that’s my thing)
When you turn out the light
(I got to hand it to me)

It looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie
It looks like it’s me and you again tonight,
It looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie

Songwriters: Donald Miller / Jackson Browne