Shafer for President!!

by Tom Shafer

January 18, 2020

Okay, so I’ve viewed lots of congressional testimony (the Trump impeachment hearings) the past couple of weeks, and I think things are relatively crystal clear now.  In spite of much compelling evidence that the President actually withheld vital aid to Ukraine for his own political gain (some might call it bribery), he will not be held accountable for what is essentially a high crime that counters the diplomatic and military interests of the United States.  Yes, Ukraine finally received its aid, but due only to the patriotic act of a daring whistleblower.  And yes, he will be impeached by the House of Representatives, but will ultimately be exonerated by feckless Republican (should I use ‘Pube?) Senators who are downright terrified of Trump’s Twitter feed.

So what can I do about all of this?  Well, because it is clear that some pretty important political rules are changing right before our eyes (thank you, Republicans!), I have decided that I, Thomas Russell Shafer, Jr., am now running for the office of the Presidency!  Shafer 2020 has a nice ring to it!

And my team has already rolled out our slogan: “Shafer is the one President to have when you’re having more than one!”  Frankly, I’m not sure what that means, but I’m trusting the best marketing outfit that twenty bucks can buy.  We field-tested another slogan, “What do you hear in the best of circles?  Shafer, all around!”, but ultimately rejected it because the phrasing seemed suggestive – of what, I’m not sure (though some of you old-timers will definitely remember that little jingle!). 

Now, you might ask why I’m tossing my “Keep it Squatchy!” hat into the arena so late in the game, especially given that Republicans are already settled on their candidate and Democrats are winnowing a field of hundreds into a more manageable dozens.  I’ve decided that I’m not running in either of those lanes, instead choosing to create my own, namely the Malted Barley party.  I will be appealing to people of all stripes (including red like me), from very pale blondes to dark, roasty stouts, from the hoppy and bitter to the fruity and creamy. 

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So I know that some of this sounds good to you, even delicious, but you are wondering how I can possibly compete given the enormous amount of money that I will need to run for the office.  Yes, it has been suggested that the general election will cost each candidate about a billion dollars – and that number is a little concerning.  However, given what I now know about politics after the last couple of weeks, I’m not worried at all.

Why?  Because, starting this morning, I have begun reaching out to all of the world’s leaders, imploring them to dig up dirt on every American citizen currently calling him or herself a Presidential candidate.  I am asking them to spend as much money as they want in their efforts because after I win, I’ll give them anything and everything they want (within reason, of course).  For every quid or pro they might want, I’ll throw in a couple of quos – just because I can.  Given that there are approximately 195 recognized countries in the world (some more desperate than others), I’m willing to bet that they will do some pretty good digging.

And, given the moral deterioration that has been imposed upon the office by its current resident, I won’t even care about, nor will I vet, the veracity of the information provided.  Thankfully, none of that matters anymore either.

So, to the rest of my Presidential candidates, I leave you this friendly message – GET OUT NOW!  Once I’m finished with you, you won’t even be able to run for dogcatcher, fence viewer (in the states of Nebraska, Massachusetts, and Vermont), or clerk of the peace (Delaware) in your hometown. 

So America, you may as well get behind my candidacy now.  My lager-than-life campaign will work hard to fulfill ale of your wildest American drams – and make easier your pursuit of hoppiness.  At this portershed moment in our history, I will beer the change we need right now.  And of Coors, I will always have your bock.  This is no time to be sober!  Shafer 2020 – The One President to Have!!

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