Snow

by Tom Shafer

February 11, 2021

Okay, so this cute little diary is by no rights mine, and similar versions have made the rounds for many years. But, because I have just come in from shoveling snow for the third time in the last five days, I thought it was time to add it to the Shtuff tab – just in case you have been doing the same. Always puts a smile on my face. Enjoy!

December 8:  6:00 p.m.  It just started to snow.  The first snow of the season, so the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses print.  My wife suggested that I decorate for Christmas soon.  So romantic – we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?  Moving here to Minnesota from Florida was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12:  The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice man – though he’s always busy. Still, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:  Snow, lovely snow!  Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20°.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back into shape this way.  I just wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:  Twenty inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Wrangler. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska after all.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:  Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right.  I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity’s back on, but had another fourteen inches of the damn white stuff last evening.  More shoveling. Took all day.  Stupid snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he’s lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas because thirteen more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August.  Took me forty-five minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel – and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the turd is lying.

December 23:  Only two inches of snow today, but because I didn’t shovel yesterday, the city did it for me and left me a nice bill for their efforts.  But on the plus side, it warmed up to 0°. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24:  Six more inches.  Snow packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke my best shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a biscuit who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his pee-pee. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour to throw snow where I’ve just shoveled! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:  Merry Christmas.  Twenty more inches of the ****ing crap today.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!  Then, the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation – so I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude; I think she’s an idiot.  If I have to watch It’s a Wonderful Life one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do!

December 26:  Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:  Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze.

December 28:  Warmed up to -20°.  Still snowed in.  THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:  Ten more inches.  Stupid Bob says I need to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:  The roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars and my wife went home to her mother.  Nine more inches of snow predicted.

December 31:  Set fire to what’s left of the house.  No more shoveling!

January 1:  Happy New Year!  I feel so good.  I just love these little white pills they keep giving me.  But where am I, and why am I tied to this bed?

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