So, You Think English Is Easy?

by Tom Shafer

Updated November 17, 2018

When I was teaching language arts to my juniors and seniors, I frequently went on discursive rants about our language and how difficult it is to learn.  Often, I would bemoan our lack of a neuter gender singular pronoun, no plural for “you,” and too (or to or two?) damned (or dammed?) many homophones (raise, rays, rase, raze, rehs).  We also have a problem with homographs (words spelled the same as each other but pronounced differently) as evidenced below.  So, imagine those poor folks who are trying to learn English as a second language!  I challenge YOU to read these right the first time.

Disclaimer:  This list made the language rounds back in the ’90s, so I certainly couldn’t have taken a picture of a honeycomb cell from my prison cell with a cell phone — especially if I had been convicted for being part of a language terrorist cell.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

•